Warnings To Men

In the marriage relationship, there are many rather subtle things that a good husband needs to be aware of.

The first of these is described by angel wives in this fashion:

No wife loves her husband on account of his appearance, but on account of the intelligence he displays in his occupation and conduct.  Be advised, therefore, that a wife unites herself with a man's intelligence, and thus with the man.  So then, if a man loves himself on account of his intelligence, he draws it back from his wife to himself, which results in disunion instead of union.  Furthermore, to love one's own intelligence is to look to oneself for wisdom, which is to be irrational; consequently it is to love one's own irrationality. (CL 331)

This is further described by the angel wives in their statement that:

Women come by birth into a love for the intelligence of men.  Consequently if men themselves love their own intelligence, their intelligence cannot be united with its proper true love which is found in a wife; and if a man's intelligence is not united with its proper true love which is found in a wife, his intelligence becomes irrational as a result of conceit, and conjugial love in him turns cold.  Now what woman can unite her love to a love that is cold?  And what man can unite the irrationality of his conceit to a love for intelligence?  (CL 331)

When men believe themselves to be the lovers and women but receivers of love, it is a step away from conjunction.  When a man believes that his judgment and wisdom from a rational sight of truth have precedence over his wife’s judgment and wisdom from a perception of love, it is a step away from conjunction.  When a man intimates that his wife is not as smart as he is, it is a step away from conjunction.  Let men be warned of their own foolish pride.  It is essential to masculinity that men pursue wisdom, but the moment that the pursuit draws its life from the man himself instead of from a love of useful service, at that moment he may be sure that his pride is getting the better of him.

A second warning lies in the fact that “a chaste wife rarely if ever fails to love her husband, but what fails is her being loved by her husband in return … This failure is attributable to a lack of elevation in his wisdom, which alone receives the love of a wife” (CL 200) This means that “wives wish to be wives not just in name but in fact, and because this is achieved by a closer and closer tie with their husbands, they therefore love the bonds of marriage from the time its covenant is established, and this the more as they are loved in return by their husbands, or in other words, the more their husbands love these bonds” (CL 217). In fact, “ordinariness from being continually allowed is an incidental reason for coldness because it develops as an additional one in people who think of marriage and of their wives in a lascivious manner.  Not, however, in those who think reverently of marriage and protectively of their wives” (CL 256).  It is essential to true masculinity that a man love his wife and only his wife.  The opportunity to share eternity with his chosen partner – which is represented by the legal, social, and spiritual covenant entered into in marriage – is, truly, a beautiful gift to be shared by the couple.  However, if a husband falls prey to thinking of his wife lasciviously, maybe even as a way of resurrecting something of warmth between them, he will discover that true conjunction is lacking.  Husbands should watch, therefore, that they do not seek external gratification as a means of restoring internal connection.  Rather, they should seek to do what they understand to be loving, looking to the best interests of their wife and submitting themselves to the teaching of the Word, and so love and support the covenant of marriage.

A third warning to husbands is that “husbands are cold to their wives whenever they entertain vain thoughts against the Lord and the church.  They are cold whenever they pride themselves because of their own intelligence.  They are cold whenever they look upon other women with lust.  They are cold whenever they are admonished by their wives on the subject of love” (CL 208). This is further related to the fact that:

Every man who is irrational in matters of the spirit is inmostly cold to his wife and inmostly warm toward harlots.  And because conjugial love and licentious love are opposed to each other, it follows that conjugial love becomes cold whenever licentious love is warm.  Then, when coldness reigns in a man, he cannot endure any feeling of love or even therefore any whisper of it from his wife.  That is why a wife so wisely and prudently conceals it; and to the extent she does this by denying and resisting, to that extent a wanton atmosphere flows in which revives and restores the man's interest.  As a result the wife of a man like that does not experience any delights of the heart such as we do, but only physical gratifications, which on the man's part have to be termed pleasures of insanity, because they are the pleasures of a licentious love. (CL 294)

The basic fact is that men are to pursue a knowledge of the Lord and matters having to do with his kingdom, which is the church.  This means that they are also to shun evils in themselves when they are made aware of them.  Too often men believe that if they are externally faithful to their wives it is enough.  This is simply not the case.  Although it is a good first step to refrain from adultery, true marriage is only achieved when the husband presses beyond this relatively external view and seeks to harvest spiritual wisdom, which is the wisdom of life.  Shunning adultery needs to extend beyond the physical act, to the lust of the will that would cause a man to feel warm towards a harlot.  It is true that the hells work in men from without, stimulating thoughts and arousing affections for unchaste things.  However, the Lord would have men focus everything they have on one woman, their wife, and thereby pursue actual wisdom.

A fourth warning is that:

The intellect is not as constant in its thoughts as the will is in its affections.  Indeed, it is carried upward one moment and downward the next, being sometimes in a state of serenity and clarity, sometimes in a state of turmoil and confusion, at times engaged in pleasant subjects, at other times caught up in unpleasant ones.  And because the mind in its workings is at the same time in the body, it follows that the body undergoes similar states … As a result, the husband sometimes draws away from conjugial love, sometimes toward it, and in the one state the abundance he has is withdrawn and in the other state restored.  For these reasons, determinations to intercourse must be left to the good pleasure of the husband.  That is why wives, from the wisdom innate in them, never admonish their husbands in regard to these matters.(CL 221)

Men should be aware of the fact that there is this alternation of states in regard to his reception of conjugial love from his wife.  If the couple knows this, it will be easier to weather the storms of life together, rather than letting this become an obstacle.  However, if the husband discovers that he spends more time in states of mind that are not receptive of conjugial love, this should serve as a means of reflection on the lifestyle choices he is making.

A fifth warning is that men should not be slaves.  This is seen in men when “they unconsciously contracted a terrific fear of their wives.  As a result they could not help but slavishly obey their wives' wishes and do their bidding more submissively than the humblest of servants, so that they became practically spiritless weaklings” (CL 292) It is important for husbands to “leave to their wives their rights, and when they experience periodic states of coldness, not to regard their wives as inferior and treat them worse than they would servants” (CL 292).  Although this is stated in an extreme manner, it nevertheless reveals a basic truth – men and women are to balance each other, men from truth, and women from good.  Therefore if men do not exercise their judgment in giving form to their wives’ will, they will contract a manner of fear for their wives’ power that is not easily overcome.  It should be noted as well that if a woman is truly determined to conquer her husband, even a wise husband will find it hard to resist (see below in “Warnings to Women”).

A sixth warning lies in the fact that:

A man attracts and admits the type that accords with him and which is compatible with and matches the kind of person he is.  It can be seen in consequence that a man who does not love his wife receives this atmosphere from some other source than his wife.  Still, it is possible for it to be inspired by the wife as well, but without his knowledge, and at times when he feels warmer towards her. (CL 225)

Taken together with the fact that “pleasures of insanity appear in outward respects similar to the delights of wisdom, but not in their inner qualities … both chaste and unchaste men are capable of a similar wisdom in outward respects, but in its inner qualities their wisdom is entirely different” (CL 294) it is clear that men need to look within themselves to guard against the unchaste pleasure of receiving the atmosphere of love from women other than their wife.  Or, more simply, husbands love your wives and avoid attractions outside of marriage.  It is all too easy to become ensnared by rationalizations if this internal perspective is forgotten.

A seventh warning is that “it is primarily men who adopt simulations of conjugial love or outward shows of friendship for the sake of peace and tranquility at home” (CL 285). Men need to be aware of the fact that:

Because the intellect is a thinking faculty, it occupies itself with various matters which disturb, distract and trouble their spirit.  Consequently, if they were to find no peace at home, eventually their vital forces would languish, their inner life would sink almost into a state of death, and thus the health of both mind and body would be ruined.  Men's minds would be assailed by the fears of these and many other dangers if they did not find havens of refuge at home with their wives to calm the turmoils of their intellect. (CL 285)

Similar in nature to the fourth warning, here it is evident that peace is to be found in a well running home.  When peace is not apparent it is a “tip-off” that something is not right.  Simulations of conjugial love are sometimes necessary, but in most cases should not be looked to as a permanent solution.  Men need to be wary of settling for simulations of conjugial love when, if they were to pursue the issue, they could discover the root of the difficulty and work together with their wives to resolve it.

In summary, the essential struggle for men is that:

It seems as though you love your wives, but you do not see that you are loved by your wives and so love them in return.  Nor do you see that your intelligence is the object of their love.  So then, if you yourselves love your intelligence in you, it becomes the object of your love; and love of oneself, because it will not endure an equal, never becomes conjugial love.  To the contrary, as long as it prevails it remains licentious.           CL 331

Let all men beware.

One final warning, when “…decisions to marry are delayed … and in the mean time the beginning of conjugial love is felt as lust, which in some cases goes off into love between the sexes in act … in such people, it is not given free rein further than is healthy.  This refers, however, to the male sex, because it suffers an enticement that actively arouses it” (CL 98.2).  As was mentioned previously, the power of insemination brings with it an actual arousal that is experienced in men, but not in women.  Men need to restrain themselves from following an external arousal, and instead do what is necessary to follow the internal inclination to marry with one of the opposite sex.  More will be said about this in the section on the preparation for marriage.

To next section